milakawaka

I confess, I peed on a stick this morning.  But, I did it for my husband.  He couldn't wait and went out last night to buy a box of home pregnancy tests.  I was more than willing to wait until tomorrow to find out what happened. 

There was a faint positive. 

I didn't know how I would take it all.  There was a certainty in my thinking that it would be negative, like all the rest of the POASs have been so far in my life.  Initially it looked negative, but it said to read it after at least 2 minutes.  I took it downstairs to show my husband and I couldn't tell if he was happy or what.  There wasn't any happy or sad emotion, but that may be because I told him we can't really trust these things.  11dp3dt should show up accurately on the pee-sticks; I just don't want to be hopeful or devastated wrongfully.  I want to know for sure, from a quantitative blood test, what the result really is.

And by golly, I want it to be positive.

This piece, written by Murgdan, resonates with me.  (http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/murgdan/2009/07/20/miracle-life)

"

The Miracle of Life

You there with the rounded belly;
Talking on your cell phone and dragging your toddler along behind you,
his arm twisting, losing his step trying to keep up with you,
while your attention is focused on your conversation, your plans, your business,
your new pair of shoes.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

You there in the grocery store line;
Digging in your purse and writing your check while you scream at your child that
you wish she were never born,
slapping her haphazardly on her arm, her leg, her bottom
while she reaches for packets of candy bars and mint flavored gum.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act that happens on accident, on purpose, and accidentally on purpose. There is not always thought, or consideration beforehand. Pregnancy may be a surprise, a shock, a regret. It may be a blessing, a plan, or a mistake. It is merely a state of being that a large number of women are in every minute of every day. It is. It simply is.

Maybe it was a one-night stand, a fling, a short-term relationship. Maybe it was an accident, a broken condom, or a forgotten pill. Maybe you didn’t want this, or maybe you made it happen. Many women spend a large portion of their lives trying to prevent pregnancy from occurring. It becomes a condition to be avoided, yet sometimes the plans are thwarted. It happens anyway.

Maybe you planned it this way. You met. You fell in love. You married. You bought a house with four bedrooms. You filled them quickly. There was no effort, no calculating, no saving. You feel blessed. You feel grateful. You have the family you always wanted. It happened. It happens to everyone. It’s easy. There is no fuss. These are dreams that come true. They do.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act. Whether it was planned or on accident, it simply is. It is a state of being. It is commonplace. It is normal. Egg and sperm find each other without needles and labs and pills and assistance. Ovulation is not inducted or detected. Intercourse is not timed or planned. Pregnancy without surgery—it happens.

And while I don’t expect every pregnant woman in the universe to twirl around in a circle of happiness and gratitude, spreading fertile joy to the world—I am mindful of the miracle. While pregnancy may be an ordinary, humdrum, everyday condition to some, it is not to me. My perspective is forever changed.

For a percentage of the population, pregnancy will never be commonplace. It will never be unplanned. It will never be no fuss, no muss. If it ever happens, it will be a carefully executed symphony of intention; a purposeful pre-arranged plot carried out over endless weeks. The mind shift this process creates will perpetually alter your point of view.

Please be mindful of your miracle. Miracles don’t happen every day; and they are anything but commonplace.
"

Right after the retrieval I wanted to eat nothing but bread and tahini or hummus.  It was all salty food or nothing to my stomach.  Fried fast foods sounded good, too, as long as there wasn't any meat or dairy in it.  Usually my tastes go a little more toward sweet things, but tend to see-saw back and forth between sweet and salty, trying to get a balance.

Slowly, I worked in a little meat and dairy.  Four days after the retrieval when I was probably at my worst with OHSS I managed to eat a sloppy joe that a friend had brought over for dinner.  It was good, but I really just wanted to spit it up.  My husband wanted pork chops one night a day or two after the sloppy joes.  I told him I would cook them, but that I didn't know if I'd eat them.  I didn't end up eating them that night.  Instead I had hummus and pita.

A week after the trigger shot the symptoms started to lessen.

And today, two weeks after the trigger shot, all I want to eat for breakfast is sugar.  Cupcake, yes.  Buttered bread with cinnamon sugar, yes.  Did you say fresh cookie dough?  Why, yes, I'll have some of that, too.  I couldn't stomach the sweet stuff and now I can't get enough of it.  Hopefully that's a sign that I am indeed knocked up. 

We found out only 5 embryos made it to freeze.  That really kind of saddened me.  I thought for sure we'd get a better turn out than that.  I guess we're lucky to even be able to freeze any at all. 

4 more days until we find out if this worked. 

There have been no typical symptoms as the internet describes them to be had by me.  I'm freaking out that my OHSS hasn't come back because it generally does if you're pregnant.  OHSS is not fun, but if it means I'm actually knocked up, I'll take it.  Boobs aren't any more tender/sore than they usually are before a period.  No more nausea after the OHSS symptoms went away.  Tired, yes, but not more than normal, I don't think.  Hungry, yes, but, again, that's normal before my periods.  And there's the moody / emotional-ness that's here before  a normal period, too.

I hate hate hate this wait. 

When will science and medicine get to the point where you can tell if a woman is pregnant just a few short days after embryo transfer?  When?  Makes me wonder if I'd pay more to get that result sooner...

--------

Went to a baby shower for a friend yesterday.  Maybe not the best thing for me to do...?  I don't know.  I'm happy for her and her husband, obviously.  I just wish it was my turn for a baby shower.  Just about everyone I know has had at least one, if not two, in the past few years.  It makes me bitter toward the carefree breeders, the fertiles.  It was a nice little shower.  Unfortunately, I was tired and just wanted to nap during the entire thing, so it may have appeared that I was incredibly disinterested in the ordeal.  Oh, well.

Reading a handful of infertility blogs warned me of attending baby showers, especially during one's two week wait, but I didn't listen.  My initial reply to the evite was 'maybe' and maybe I should not have attended.  It was a maybe because we didn't know at the time when the transfer was going to happen.

--------

This morning I finally told my husband that I was worried because I didn't feel pregnant, yet.  Being wonderful, he said that he loves me still no matter if I am pregnant or not.  That's nice, but it does little to combat the worry that really seems to be taking over at times.  I don't want my body to be blamed for not being hospitable to the little mini-me's.  

Yeah.  Like anyone thought that getting 38 eggs wouldn't give me some sort of hyperstimulation.  Seriously, guys.

I gots the OHSS.  I called the doc up to let them know that this abdominal bloating and pain and occasional difficulty in breathing accompanied by nausea might be OHSS.  They had me come in to be checked out that afternoon.  Guess what?  There's a good amount of free floating fluid hanging around in my lower abdomen by my ovaries and uterus.  My doctor made sure to call in his associate to assure that he saw what happened to me, too.  Sure, join the party in the room where I'm not wearing anything below my waist.  Want to call in another person to see all this stuff on the screen?  Why not!

Really, it was ok having the nurse and two doctors in there.  I was worried about my condition.  I felt reasonably good and was feeling better that afternoon than I had earlier.

The doctor explained that he might have to draw out the fluid in a few days if it didn't improve and that he could only get at one side because the other pocket was too close to my (hopefully) incubating uterus.  Blood test and urinalysis were performed and they would call me the next day to let me know how it all went.

Tests came back fine, no kidney failure eminent, I guess.  A follow up appointment was set for Thursday morning (today) to check on everything.

Today's appointment was good.  The fluid has rapidly decreased, but the ovaries are still very large.  They are pleased that I'm feeling better (no nausea, bloating and pain reduced / almost all the way gone).  The next time they want to see me in July 23 for the pregnancy test. 

The doctor mentioned that if I am pregnant the symptoms could re-surface in 3-5 days because pregnancy apparently exascerbates OHSS.  This could mean a few weeks of this nonsense.  However, if that means I'm pregnant, I'll take it.

38 eggs retrieved
26 fertilized correctly
18 embryos at 3 day (5 grade A, 8 B, 5C)
2 grade A embryos transferred on day 3

Retrieval was yesterday morning (07-08-2009).  We got to the clinic at 8:30am and didn't get into the room to start the whole procedure until after 9am.   I made my husband drive us there early because I was not doing well having not had food or drink since midnight.

Got in the room, changed into the surgical gown and blanket, the nurse went over everything, then the anesthetist came over to start my IV.  My small-ish, hard-to-get veins were my main concern, especially after not being able to drink and hydrate them.  He gave me a good shot of lidocaine to numb the area before the IV needle was inserted.  Then I had to empty my bladder again and was walked into the procedure room.

It was bright and white and clean looking and smelling.  I laid on the big table while they strapped my legs into these massive stirrups.  Then the washing of the girl-part area began.  That was a tiny bit uncomfortable with lots of cold water squirted everywhere.  Once that was done, the anesthetist put the good drugs into my IV and an oxygen mask on my face and I don't remember anything until waking up in the recovery room.

After it was all done, they must have wheeled me out to the recovery room, because that's where I remember waking up.  Then, the severe abdominal pain started.  It was worse than any period pain I've had.  I asked to roll over to one side thinking it might help.  It didn't.  They said they could give me some drugs, but that I'd have to wait an extra hour at the office before going home.  I didn't want to do that.

I had to wait until I finished my IV bag of water the nurse called my breakfast and then show them I could pee before we were allowed to leave.  I dutifully peed, got changed and left as soon as I could.

Which might not have been the best idea as I puked in the car on the way home only a few miles away from the clinic (about 12 miles from home).  Thankfully there was a coffee cup in the car that I was able to puke in.  And had there been food in my stomach the coffee cup would not have been big enough.  I felt better after vomiting. 

Got home and I sent the husband away to get my pain meds prescription filled and some gatorade to get my all hydrated again.  He got back in just enough time for me to take a couple sips of blue gatorade and then puke it up in the toilet.  I felt better, again, after that episode and laid back down on the sofa and took a pain pill.  Then I slept for a couple hours.  Oh, the husband got me a wonderful mid-east bread and non-dairy dip to eat that I ate after waking up.  My stomach could only handle bread, really.

I managed to go to dinner that night at a friend's house.  The husband procured a non-dairy dinner and it was wonderful.

Slept good because of the pain pills.  Woke up and took another one and decided that taking the dogs for a 1.75 mile walk was a good idea.

The trigger shot was administered last night at exactly 9:30pm.  The correct needles weren't in my packet of drugs and syringes so we had to improvise and use leftover Repronex syringe and needle. 

I called the doctor's office at about 5:30 when I discovered I didn't have the correct needles.  The system is supposed to page the doctor on call.  It never did.  We never got a call back to tell us what to do.  So we improvised.  I figured a 22 gauge needle is about the same as 25, and as long as we had at least 1" of needle 1.5 inches wasn't going to be a problem.  To tell the truth, I was almost paranoid the 22g needle would be the worst thing about this ordeal. I never even felt it prick my skin.  The Novarel medication was nice, too; no stinging like the Repronex.

Since I have so many good looking follicles they are treating me like a donor and gave me the reduced amount of Novarel.  Originally it was to be 10,000 units.  After the last ultrasound and blood work (3991 estrogen level) they decided it would be best to only go for half of the Novarel dose, 5000 units. 

Retrieval is scheduled for 9:30am Wednesday morning (07-08-2009).  The thing I'm looking forward to the least is not being able to eat or drink from midnight on tonight.  I'm an early riser and eat breakfast within the first hour of waking on a normal basis.  I don't do well without food first thing in the morning.  The husband has agreed to stay up with me until midnight so I can eat my last meal then and hopefully I'll be tired enough that I'll sleep until at least 6am.  None of this 4 or 5am waking up business that's been happening since I've been on all of these drugs.  I'm done with the sleeping during the day and up at night routine.

My husband and I are praying that this works, that my eggs are mature and great looking, that I have eggs in these follicles, that a good number of them can be fertilized, that they grow beautifully and that one of them will implant into my perfect uterus lining and make itself home for about 9 months.  We haven't talked about what is next if this doesn't work.  It's doubtful that insurance will cover another cycle.  And we don't have much time left on this insurance plan.

--------

We are very close to being done with our foster care license, as well.  There is just a tiny bit of paperwork and the house inspection to complete the process.  We are going forward with this at the same time we are pursuing having a child.  Other people we know have had issues with their case workers at the agency, but we've had nothing but help and support from ours.  The renovation project on our basement is almost to the point of completion enough for the inspection.  It will be nice to be able to use our house for a lot of good with our potential foster child(ren).

We went to my doctor's appointment this morning.  The blood draw went ok.  It was flowing really slowly, so they only got half of the vial full, but it was enough to run the tests.  Then came the ultra sound.  The doctor measured all of the follicles he could see.  We must have been in there for 10 minutes as he was going through to count and measure them all.  When everything was said and done, they counted between 20 and 25, with at least 7 in the "mature" category and about 10 in the almost-mature-that-usually-produce-mature-eggs-even-though-they're-slightly-smaller-follicles category.

Then there was the teaching lesson on the trigger shot.  I have to mix the water with the powdered medicine again for this.  A bottle with 30mL comes in the package, but my dose only requires 1mL to be used.  The husband wondered if the medicine manufacturer just uses a generic water bottle company for it's water and they don't change the water bottles per prescription.

There are two bunches of grapes in my ovaries.  When I sit down it feels like they all are getting a little squished and have to move everything around inside to fit in the smaller space.  Sometimes there is a pinching pain which I do not enjoy.

Is it just cautiousness?  Or reality in light of the hopefulness?  Or just plain worry?  Paranoia?

Getting that ultrasound yesterday and finding out how many follicles are a-cookin' just made me start to worry.  Would my morning walks with the dogs somehow affect my burgeoning ovaries?  Should I actually worry about the slim chance of one of them twisting because I bent over to pick something up?  How much exercise activity is too much?  Can't call it exercise because I'm not supposed to be exercising. 

I'm worried that the 20 or so follicles I do have growing right now won't keep growing.  That they'll just fall off.  That when it comes time for retrieval that they'll all be empty.  That they'll be of super bad quality.  That I will get ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome.  That none will be able to be fertilized or that none will grow.  I'm extremely concerned about what I do for the next 5 or 6 days.  Should I do as little as possible so as to not even try to hurt myself of the little M's?  Should I just proceed as normal?  Should my walks with the dogs be shorter than the 1.5 - 3 miles we usually go?  Or would walking slower be the right thing to do?

Why don't they tell you all of these things?!?!  Why can't the nurses read my mind and know what to say to assuage all of my fears?  Why isn't there a comprehensive book that details everything that I can read?  Or at least a website?

Why is this post filled with so many questions?

I guess I'm going to very carefully work on the drywall mudding (why doesn't the spell checker recognize 'mudding' as a word?  Isn't that the proper verb for placing mud on a wall?)  on the little wall today.  It has to get done before the carpet gets installed on the stairs this afternoon or tomorrow morning.  I'm praying for peace of mind and a great outcome for all of this, above all else.

I forgot to mention the HUGE, bright red, extremely sore welts the Repronex injections are creating on my leg.  There is one there that is still extremely painful to the touch from 2.5 days ago.  In one of the books I've read, the lady mentioned that allowing the medication to come to room temperature for an hour before the injection can reduce the redness and soreness.  That spot, from 3 days ago, that's still hurting like a mo' fo', well that one was done straight out of the refrigerator.  Yesterday's was allowed to warm up and so far has not been nearly as painful or as red.

Another good tip was to put a heating pad on the injection site.  I try to get it on there as soon as I can and for at least 15 minutes, if not longer.  That seems to help a whole lot.

Went in for the first ultrasound after starting stims.  They counted about 8 follicles on the right side and about 13 on the left.  Hopefully a good number of those will mature nicely and be perfectly ripe at the time of retrieval.  They're hoping for 15-20 follicles/eggs.  The doc said some of them may look like they're getting big just to drop off and have nothing in them.

I was telling my husband that I get these sort of electrical shocks in the region of my ovaries.  I had a hunch that the follicles were just going crazy with the budding (or whatever you want to call it) each time I felt this little slight shock in my lower abdomen on alternating sides.  He didn't believe me.  He thinks that when I tell him things are going on in my body that I'm just making it up or that I read it on the internet and now feel it myself--like a sort of hypochondrism.  I'm telling you I never read anywhere about anyone else experiencing these kinds of symptoms. 

I'm waiting for the call about my blood work for today to see if I have to get another draw tomorrow or if it'll wait until Friday when I have the next ultra sound. 

And I was a good patient and asked about taking Repronex with a benign pituitary growth / tumor that I have.  Mine is little and just secretes an eensy amount of prolactin.  The nurse said that if I'm not experiencing other symptoms of the growth that there isn't a concern.  Apparently Repronex makes the tumor do these things, but I already have a medication to lower my slightly elevated prolactin levels as it is.  That's what they'd make me take to counteract it anyway.

--------

Here's hoping the insecticide does it's thing on the squash beetles that have invaded my garden.  This is the third offense against them.  We tried the organic rout, and it helped to subdue them, but they came back and were drawing up their forces for a huge attack on my little squash plants.  This insecticide should do the trick.  That's what the internet has been telling me, as well as the wonderful people at the local plant nursey I went to yesterday to buy this chemical.  I'm definitely going to go back there to look at their plants and to purchase more landscaping products.  But not until it's not 108 degrees F outside with 30% humidity.

--------

Does anyone know how to motivate an 18-year old recent high school graduate? 

Today is day 1 of the stimulation medications.  I get to give myself 3 shots a day instead of just the one little Lupron.  Two down as of now.  I hope I remember how to work that Gonal-F pen gizmo. 

Funny story about the Gonal-F pen--the doctor prescribed a dose that can't work on this pen because it has pre-set dosing.  So the nurse had to go check with the other doctor (because mine wasn't there yesterday) to see what the proper dose was that I needed.  They put me a little bit smaller than the 125 original prescription and I'm now at 112.5.  That seems like a pretty low dose.  But I don't know.  Maybe not after looking at the interwebz skilled MD knowledge database.  I guess that's about a normal starting dosage and it changes from there based on the upcoming blood-work.

They took some of my blood again on Friday to test it.  The first lady had a hard time getting the blood to flow in my hand.  The second got the one vein in my arm people can, on occasion, get.  Monday is blood-work.  Wednesday is blood-work and ultrasound.  Who knows what the rest of the week will bring.

Wait....what?  Normally ovulation is a thing that is hoped for, that people take drugs to induce, that is necessary for having a baby--except when you're on your IVF cycle and you're NOT supposed to ovulate the week before you start your stims.  So that's what the doc said on Friday morning when we went in for the initial baseline blood work, ultrasound and the teaching of the stimulation injections (which ended up not happening).  I was a little worried about starting the big injections during our camping trip.  No longer a worry.

The phlebotomist had to get the blood out of the top of my hand, a normal procedure when it comes to getting my blood.  I told her up front that while I believed in her blood getting skills that my veins are hard to get because they are smallish, deepish, spongy and roll-y.  Of course she had to check both arms before deciding that I know what I'm talking about and proceed to my hand.  "Do they ever take it from the top of your hand?"  "All the time, lady."  She looked at my hand and there was the perfect vein just sticking out of the skin talking to her.  And she was excited about it.  The blood started out slowly, but then the nurse said something about "when we get your pregnant" and then the blood gushed.  So they said all that they needed to do was say the word pregnant and my body responded well.  I'm taking that as a good thing.

While I ovulated on birth control pills (and a week of Lupron!), they now have to push my cycle back another week or two.  Maybe the longer Lupron protocol will be a good thing for me because I'm such an overachiever.  A longer time pushing my cycle into submission might be a good thing.  We'll see how it works.  Thankfully they can push the cycle back up to two weeks with the Lupron.  Without that I have no idea what the next step would be.  Glad I don't have to think about that.

Oh, and I finally told my mom what was going on--not all of the details, but enough that she knows what we're going through and can be supportive and I don't have to keep sort of lying by omission.  My husband had asked me not to tell people because it's our business and the rest of the world doesn't need to know.  She asked who was the broken one in our couple was and I told her that it didn't matter who was broken because we're in this together and in order to get a baby we have to do what we have to do. 

Someone really needs to invent a version of tylenol that does the same amount of good as advil, aleve or excedrin for headaches and migraines.  Because this Lupron induced headache / low-grade migraine really really really sucks ass.  How many tylenols am I allowed to take in 24 hours?

I wish I were more witty with my writings.  I wish I had more of that pizazz that I so enjoy of other people's blogs.  I wish my humor of every day life would come out more in my blogging.  Hopefully this little exercise in writing about this process will help with the writings.  I haven't really had to write anything of substance based on my thoughts and beliefs since high school.  In college there were tons of papers that had to be written, but they were all research papers, based on facts that were looked up and verified. 

I guess as you get better at shooting yourself up, the prick of the needle seems to fade more and more each day.  The first day the needle was gingerly inserted into my abdomen flab--the doughnut around my belly button.  Then the plunger was slowly pushed in.  This is the best way to feel every little thing that you're doing to yourself.

Now, after 7 days of this, I feel like a pro.  I'm sticking the needle in very quickly and plunging the plunger with just as much speed.  It hurts less when you put the needle in faster.  Maybe it's psychosematic, all in my head, but maybe there is something to it; like ripping off a bandaid quickly verses the slow removal.  Does that even lessen the pain?  I remember intense discussions of this in high school.

------

Purple flavored cool-aid is one of my favorite childhood drinks.  A couple of weeks ago we were at the store and stocked up on those little drink mix packets that are less than 10 cents each.  I had to get a ton of the grape/purple flavored ones.  So, I've been making a pitcher of cool-aid a day, roughly.  It's yummy and sort of makes up for the tea that I can no longer drink because of the caffeine.

I should update that I was laid off from my other job that I was so happy to post about that I got in October of 2008.  Such is life in the state of this economy.

My only requirement for a job now is that it pays more per week than unemployment.

Ha.  Anyone else.  There is no one else reading this blog.  Polling no one will give great results, milakawaka.  At least they'll all agree with me.

Has anyone else experienced the sore, slightly larger than normal, achy breasts while on Lupron?  Is it just the birth control pills?  I thought they were supposed to make all the girl organs silent?  Not that I didn't already have a problem with the achy boobs on a daily basis before being injected with all these fake hormones, thanks to an itty bitty teeny tiny tumor adenoma on my pituitary gland.

And another thing that really sucks is the inability to take and drugs that are worthwhile for a headache.  Tylenol is all.  That sucks.  I'm an excedrin (regular variety with the asprin and caffeine) kind of girl.  No NSAIDs for achy muscles and joins.  No asprin and caffeine for headaches. 

So, just for the fun on it, let's take another pole and see if I'll make it through all of this without my dear, dear (legal, mind you) drugs.

I wasn't able to post yesterday because the internet was down.

Since being on the wonderful "brakes" drug Lupron I have been sleeping horribly at night and entirely exhausted during the day.  Not including the times when I go crazy and try to kill my husband with his shoes because they were in the wrong place in the bedroom.  Of course, I had to throw them at him as hard as I could.  He didn't seem to understand this and was still mad the next day.  I did apologize for my craziness, but I had to explain that I can't control it.  You try being stuck full of artificial hormones and expect to act like you did before.  It's not possible.

But the exhaustion is the hardest thing for me to combat during the day.  I feel like I could sleep all day long.  I get up at the normal time of the day and go to bed at the normal time, so there's nothing that I am doing there to interfere.  Just yesterday I was going to meet my friend at the park to walk around with her toddler.  All I wanted to do while waiting for her to show up was go to sleep.  It was gorgeous outside (something like only in the low 80s at 9am).  We talked after she got there and she asked me a few times if I was ok.  I guess I looked like I zoned out or didn't respond in a normal way to warrant the question.  I was just tired.  It took a lot of energy to keep my eyes open and focused on the conversation.

I went home and took a 2 hour nap.  I could have slept for a lot longer than that.  Somehow, I managed to get some dishes and laundry done.  Still, I just wanted to go back to sleep, but I had a meeting at 7pm that I had to go to.  For sure, when I got home I was no longer sleepy at regular bedtime.  Figures.

I've been trying to take the dogs for a walk every morning.  I figure it's the least I can do to sort of exercise when I'm not really allowed to be exercising right now.  I try to get at least 2 miles in.  Sometimes I have to drop the dogs off at home and continue on alone to get an adequate distance walked.  The pug does not like the heat and is fat and doesn't have the endurance to go for very long.  The bug is young and always wants to keep going, but is less of a good walker when she doesn't have another dog to walk with.  She tends to flit about to and fro when there isn't the competition from another dog.  That makes it hard to get a good brisk walk in when you have to stop every 8 steps.

Someone asked how I felt about this ART we're doing.  I'm hopeful, but maybe just realistic in thinking because there's a chance--pretty good--that this won't work.  And I don't know what happens after that.